There isn't any trace of decisive confidence in me. Okay, there it is in me, embedded somewhere deep, that it gets emphatically veiled. No matter how much I try to cling on to it, it slips through my fingers, leaving me to settle my motionless emotions, right from the scar. I'm shattered, I'm confused, I'm lost... lost in my own unfathomable insecurity... but what sort of an insecurity? I least know!
I've often tried to decipher it, but all in vain; what is it that prevents me from unfolding myself before myself? Why can't I be free, at least in my own triangle of me, mine and myself, if not with the infinity beyond the boundaries of this triangle? A particular blur thought stings me now. 'He said... she said... They said... The world said...', these words keep humming in my mind, even amidst intense pensiveness. These uninvited reminiscences conquer the words –'I said, I feel...' and rejoice over this mere yet long awaited victory. But it isn't faulty, the sole fault lies I me.
I wouldn't blame, I wouldn't curse, for I'd always enveloped myself with fake smiles, fun and frolic to let anybody peep into my soul. So, here it is – I needn't decipher anything, I just need to let others decipher me.
Permit me to speak out –
I'm one of those simple-joy lovers, possessive and violent (That's more like Catherine Earnshaw, but then, I can't help over it), a typical extrovert, but prefer a sip of silent solitude now and then. I need to spend time with myself often for I need to know what alterations are coming about in me, whether those should be accepted or not and whether I'm still compatible with my senses. My passions, my own world of senseless fancies and whims and all those muffled dreams. I hold on to determined concentration and focus – although now I get to realize, somewhere down the lane, it's fading away. Success is dear and cherish-able, provided it's an honest victory, for me, while failures though piercing set right my aloof stubbornness, the stubbornness to succeed. The pinnacle's always far, even if it's within sight, so in my dictionary, it's always 'tantalizing pinnacle' and never just 'pinnacle'. Yah, is socialize easily with people, But I'm always out of true friendship. Well, yah, I did have a dear dear friend, quite some time back. A girl with a beautiful heart... lost her. She isn't physically present in my limited world today, but yah, her essence still lingers. Not the least feasible on my part, to honor myself with another dear friend, replacing her, even in my wildest of dreams. That probably shows I'm possessive, but then, I'm so.
Again, there's another short-coming... you are prohibited to be yourself in a world of today. No being honest with one's emotions. And so... no blaming those who fail to recognize the me in me, in spite of being special. They find my friendship faulty, and love as well. Disturbing for me, but as always, I can't just blame them, they are 'they' and I here, am 'I'.
So, where lies the insecurity, when I know I'm me. Duh! Check my wandering mind and get back to work!
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